Moving from my small town where I grew up to the city was a big cultural shift for me. I knew before I graduated high school that I wanted to go to college and live in an urban area. At first, I went to Kansas City and then found myself in Saint Louis a couple years later. In a few years, I would like to move back to Kansas City. I am from Chillicothe, Missouri, a town of about 10,000 people and the “home of sliced bread.” Growing up, I knew the basics of the culture in which I was raised: white, Christian, and politically conservative. There was not much difference in opinion in the town. We had a handful of students and families of color, varying abilities, religions, and classes, but, in general, many people in the town had similar ideals and values. I personally wanted to explore different areas in order to learn more about myself and the world around me, because it is not satisfying to me to simply go along with what I grew up around without any exploration on my part. Beyond the general aspects of the culture I was explicitly socialized in, I reflected to some experiences that were key to my socialization implicitly.  

The first experience that came to mind was when I was in elementary school. We had an African American student named Miles White. I remember students from time to time joking to Miles about how his last name was White, but he was not. Considering we were around nine years old at the time, I know these kids probably did not know the implications of what they were saying. I also knew that Miles took things in stride, and many of these students were considered “friends” of his. I can understand that young kids point out observations, but what I can say is that it was not a fair situation when there are multiple white kids against one African American student. I am confident that if Miles did have an issue, he most likely would not have felt comfortable saying he did, because we live in a town that does not criticize someone who drives around with a confederate flag on their truck. He was a pretty shy kid, like me. The reason I know this situation was a key to my socialization is that I remember if after all this time- even though I was not directly involved and was a short event in the grand scheme of my life. Witnessing this event, not doing anything about it because I was intimidated by the “popular” boys, but realizing that the situation, regardless of intention, was not set-up to be fair for all parties. This event only emphasized that our town did not have much experience with students of color and thought it appropriate to mention race only when a student of color was involved, as well as putting Miles in a situation where he could not stand up for himself whether or not he felt uncomfortable. I was reminded of the article “White Privilege: Unpacking the Invisible Knapsack” by Peggy McIntosh (1989) and the idea that white people do not really have to consider their race. This event showed me at a young age that in a mostly white community, we are thought to think of our lives as “morally neutral, normative, and average, and also ideal” (McIntosh, 1989, para. 6). What I am trying to say is that the white kids did not think about how it felt for Miles to be confronted by a bunch of white students commenting about his race and how funny it is his last name is a different color than the color of his skin. All I remember Miles doing was kind of laugh it off and not saying much of anything. When some students systemically have privilege on account of their race, it requires self-awareness when interacting with others. What I learned from this situation was that I lived in a town with the majority, and I did not know what it felt like to be “othered.” I feel that I was socialized to think that this behavior was okay and that it is acceptable to not have to consider my own place in society because we were in a town and country that considered white people to be the standard. I think this situation sticks out to me because I learned in that moment that I cannot be like those students, because regardless of their intention, we were not raised to consider our privilege and how something we might think is innocent and funny may not land the way we think it will. 

Another situation I thought about regarding my socialization and culture specifically regarding race was when I was a teenager. I had had my license for at least a year and was driving with a friend that was African American. I had pulled out of a gas station onto the street, and a cop immediately pulled me over citing that I had turned too early and unsafely. As a teenager, I cannot say I had the most driving experience. And while there was a possibility I was cutting it close, the police officer would have not seen me, the driver, but would have seen my passenger. Moreover, to my memory, there were no cars driving on the road except that police car, and at the time I did not think that I had turned dangerously since that car (the police car) was in the other lane in the two-lane road. I also do not think I was speeding. I will never know if I would have been pulled over if I was driving alone or driving with a white friend. However, in that moment, I just had an instinct that I would not have. I had never been pulled over before and, luckily, I was let off with a warning- probably because I did not really break any rules. I felt that I had privilege in that moment that my friend would not have. Again, this is all just my intuition. But even though I did not have many experiences like that growing up white in a mostly white town, I was aware enough that the police force was almost or all entirely composed of white men with probably little bias training. And given that this was in the wake of Michael Brown in Ferguson, I felt very aware of these situations. I felt that in that moment, I learned it was the easiest and safest thing to do to play into the hands of the police and suck up, making sure to take full accountability and be aware that I was in a position of privilege next to my friend even though he didn’t do anything wrong in order to be acceptable by the police who had the most power in the situation. I feel that I was given the benefit of the doubt because the police officer identified with me. Going forward, I felt that when I was with friends who were of a difference race than me, I needed to be extra alert and careful with my actions, so I did not accidentally implicate them in anything.  We are usually not given the same benefit of the doubt. It became a value of mine to, as I grew up, keep a social justice mindset because we as white people cannot just be complacent and “not racist” but actively anti-racist. This was also a moment that contributed to my decision to not settle down in my hometown- a decision I am still maintaining. 

Beyond growing up in a mostly white town that did not consider other cultures much, the heavily Christian population and family also impacted my socialization as well. I had a friend growing up who came out to me that they were gay and in a secret relationship with another girl. I was the first person she ever told because of her intense fear of being judged and thought of “going to hell.” We were sophomores in high school, and I felt incredibly honored to be someone she trusted enough to tell something so personal. We were socialized to think that there should be shame for not fitting the mold of cis-man with cis-woman.  To me, it was always so ludicrous that people should think this is wrong. However, she felt that it was wrong and that there was something deeply wrong with her along with her feelings of loneliness in thinking that most other people around us would agree with her. I realized in this moment that telling her that she should not be ashamed and was not going to hell was not really helpful to her because it could not change her fear that her family and close friends, all conservative Christians, would disown her. I felt much anger at my community for choosing to believe something that is not even really shown in the Bible over someone who was living and breathing- someone they loved. I realized that I needed to be an ally to people and show my support for them by listening to what ways they would like that support to be shown. I learned I needed to listen and not always work to solve anything but focus on them and not my own convictions. I knew in that moment that I needed to be prepared in the future to defend her publicly and be a supportive friend if others were to condemn her. Part of my personal culture was being astutely aware of how I was raised and not going along with the status quo regardless of what others think. Due to this, I have deep empathy for people who were raised in this environment because it is much easier to go along with what one is used to instead of questioning. My friend has since gone public with her sexuality in her own time. Many were supportive, but there are still many who love her but think that she is living in sin. With the ones that shifted their beliefs because of her showed me that we are more likely to be accepting when we know someone personally who is different than us. I was raised with people who were somewhat tolerant and not violent to others who were different. However, there was a silent disagreement, and I really did not want to be the person who pretended to be supportive of someone to their face but disagreed with them behind their back for something that they cannot control about themselves. Part of why I want to go into curriculum and instruction is because I want school curriculum and instruction to become more multicultural than it has been in this country. I want schools to reflect various cultures to the student body and look at education through other lens.

Lastly, on a more personal note, I have another socialization event that I found pertinent to this assignment. When I was around eight years old, my paternal aunt took her own life. As a young child, I obviously had no idea of the mental struggles she was going through. At this time, my parents had been divorced for a few years, so my experiences with my father regarding this situation were separate than the one with my mother. Since I was so young, it would not have been appropriate to tell me many details. However, due to the nature of my father of being a very secretive person, I was given no information at all. This was not a learning opportunity but a moment to show me that the situation should be handled with shame. Words like “crazy” were thrown around, and I learned at a young age that people with mental struggles and disorders were stigmatized. Growing up, mental issues were not really discussed at all anywhere.  Even though I am only 24 years old, and there has been headway in recent decades to change this fact. My family had mental struggles in a variety of ways, as well as my friends. There was maybe one therapist in the town. When I grew to be a teenager and started to struggle with depression and anxiety myself and knowing my mother took her own anti-anxiety medicine for years, I felt there was no other option for me but to go on medication. I felt that there was something deeply wrong with me and that I could not share how I truly felt with anyone but my closest friend. Now that I am older, I do not feel this way anymore. However, I struggled for many of my teenage years, because I felt crazy and that others would think that I was crazy. It is now a strong value of mine to appreciate myself and give myself the self-care that I need to keep myself in a good mental space. As a mother now, it is a goal of mine to be age-appropriately honest with my son about these things so that he feels that he can express himself and come to us no matter what. In a southern Baptist family, men are supposed to hold in their emotions and women are too emotional. I am choosing to raise my son fighting back against toxic masculinity and to have empathy for himself and others. I am now someone who friends and family can come to when they are struggling with mental health, and I can trust them as well. This was not always the case growing up. 

I understood a little bit of my personal culture growing up but understand it even more now as an adult who has made it their mission to explore other cultures and to examine my own biases and blind spots. I sensed from a young age that just because many people go along with a certain belief or ideology, that does not mean that it is the only one or the right one. The biggest skill I gained from my socialization is to take these experiences into learning opportunities and allow myself the space to think critically, as well as listen to others about their experiences regarding situations that I have not directly experienced. In my teaching, one of the most important skills I can teach my students and practice in my own life is critical thinking.  I can use how I grew up in my teaching as a learning opportunity and to continually learn personally and professionally as I teach others. 

Works Cited

McIntosh, P. (1989). “White privilege: unpacking the invisible knapsack.” Peace and Freedom Magazine, (July/August), pp. 10-12.